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Celebrities Say the Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

Beleive it or not, but it is interesting

Cancer Update from John Hopkins

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.

3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9 When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.

12. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

13. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence,Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

14. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

15. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

16. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply. CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be "Manuka" honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in color. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts)and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.


(PLEASE FORWARD IT TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT)




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CANCER UPDATE FROM JOHN HOPKINS HOSPITAL - PLEASE READ

1. No plastic containers in micro.
2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters.

This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well.
Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer.
Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies.
Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.
Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers.
This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releas es dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else.
Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This article that should be sent to anyone important in your life.

Men Are Just Happier People (?!)

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

May be it is true and they are happier people?

spark

Ok', one more...


Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't . you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a
pervert.

If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain.

If you don't .... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers .... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself.

If you don't .... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache . you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So - Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Очень хорошо для поднятия самооценки:

“Why I love women’s bodies”
By Christine M. Coppa

Tall, short, plump or petite, one thing is universal—no matter what a woman’s shape, there’s a man out there who’ll appreciate it! To prove our point, listen to what these guys have to say, and feel your confidence soar… no matter what your body type.

The pleasure of plus
“My wife is plus-size — and it’s a plus in every aspect of the word — especially when it comes to spooning.”
– Anthony Abruccio, 39, Brooklyn, NY

Stay strong
“I like muscles! My girl’s arms are cut, toned and sexy—and I love when she wraps ’em around me.”
– Carl Steir, 31, Clifton, NJ

Boyish bodies rock!
“I’m not lusting after the classic Playboy centerfold. My girlfriend is a 32A, and I love when she goes braless—especially in a clingy tank-top.”
– Dan Cooke, 24, Asotin, WA

Muscles, schmuscles…
“My girl’s middle is soft and luscious and every time she complains about it, I hug her belly. I love that part of her body best—it’s so womanly.”
– Roger Abrams, 31, Browning, MO

Short and sweet
“Everyone thinks tall models are so glamorous, but my fiancée is just five feet tall. It’s so adorable when she stands on her tippy-toes to kiss me.”
– Josh Cooper, 29, New York, NY

On the lean and narrow
“I’ve dated women of all shapes, sizes and races. I’m engaged to a tomboy with narrow hips and pin-thin legs. It’s all good!”
– Josh Wood, 31, Houston, TX

When thin isn’t in
“I used to date a dieter. She obsessed over everything she ate and was depressed every single time she looked in the mirror. My new girlfriend loves to eat and bake. She’s not thin or heavy. She’s healthy, and I’m happy!”
– Matt Magino, 29, Brick, NJ

Bathing beauty
“I met my current girlfriend last summer. She’s plus-size, but was romping around on the beach in a bikini. There was something very confident and free in the way she moved. She didn’t cover up or hide anything, and there was this fresh air about her that I really fell for.”
– Anthony Douglas, 28, Mission Viejo, CA

Christine M. Coppa is adjusting to her softer, post-baby body. She writes for Glamour.com.

Yiddish Proverbs

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

One old friend is better than two new ones.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavour.

A wise man hears one word and understands two.

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Golda Meir (1898-1978)

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.

To a visiting diplomat: "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

Woody Allen

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!

Albert Einstein

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.

Sign hanging in his office at Princeton: Imagination is more important than knowledge

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Californians.........

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, it's your turn..
you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . .. . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow. < /FONT>

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,32 1

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you ca n read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN o n the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and
was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had articipated
in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had
for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be
his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on
the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth
and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing
in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey is doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on
campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties,
and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too
hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've
invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to
nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican
party."

*Becoming Illegal

(Actual letter from an
Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731
Hart Senate
Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC ,
20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently
passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of
this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in
the
United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen
is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five
years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it out*.
*


Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the
United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden
of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.*

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Alabama man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don"t even know who you are!"

The Alabama man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma"am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The Frog and Golf






THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God
-----------------------------------------

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95, just outside Washington DC ; nothing's moving in either direction.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened...What's the hold up?"



"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Ried, and John Kerry; they are asking for a $100 million ransom.
If their demands are not met, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."



The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"



"About a gallon." the man answered.



********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
**********************************************



A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway.
She brought it inside, opened it ... and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

OHIP
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. "Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but OHIP will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Пакат

innok
Пакат

"Mummy, Daddy, I've found out what sex is."
"Well?"
"It's something between five and seven."

Lessons from the Wizard of Oz
by Will Craig
Most of us are familiar with the story of Dorothy and the friends she meets on her way to find the Wizard. The Scarecrow who felt he lacked a brain; the Tin Man who didn’t think he had a heart; and the Cowardly Lion who wished he had courage.

The Wizard (a man whose heart was in the right place but whose ethics needed some work) actually exercised some effective coaching skills at the end of the story.

For each of Dorothy’s three friends, he fostered a sense of belief that they, indeed, had those things they sought so desperately. He convinced the Scarecrow he was smart by giving him a diploma. The Tin Woodsman received his gift from the Wizard and knew he now had a heart because it was breaking. The Cowardly Lion became instantly courageous when he received his medal for bravery.

Believing In Yourself
When Dorothy saw her friends all get what they wanted she was in firm belief she could certainly have what she wanted. Glynda, the Good Witch, had Dorothy repeat, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

Each of them, as it turns out, already had inside of them the answers they were seeking. Ironically, they had the potential and the ability to grant their own desires from the very beginning. The only thing missing was belief.

The beauty of The Wizard of Oz is that we are all able to identify with the characters and their challenges along life’s path. Doesn’t it make you think of the fantastic life you could have if you really believed you could?

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

innok
It's so true.

--- Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative: for example: Ignoranus



1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.



9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



12. Glibido: All talk and no action



13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



And, the pick of the lot...



17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

И сюда добралась политика... Но... yлыбнуло, может и , правда, выход?

Service to our country



Drafting Guys over 60----this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier. New Direction for the war on terrorists.


Send Service Vets over 60


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ...ER.... One.'


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.


If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!


Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it!

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as Premier League 5.0, Six Nations 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

_____________________________________

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'HTTP: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

innok, Пакат

After the woman gave birth to her baby, the doctor
stood solemnly at her bedside.

"I have something I must tell you about your
baby.."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female
parts."

"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has
a penis and a brain?"

Это сообщение отредактировал happy - 3.11.2008 - 21:19

happy

немного не по теме:
Can you hear me – Ты можешь меня здесь
Undressed custom model – Голая таможенная модель
Manicure – Деньги лечат
I’m just asking – Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there – У меня там фасоль
God only knows – Единственный нос Бога
We are the champions – Мы – шампиньоны
Do You feel alright? – Ты справа всех чувствуешь?
Bye bye, baby, baby good bye – Купи, купи ребёнка, ребёнок хорошая покупка
To be or not to be – Две пчелы или не две пчелы?
I fell in love – Я свалился в любовь
Just in case – Только в портфеле
I will never give up – Меня никогда не тошнит
Oh, dear! – Ах, олень!
I saw my honey today – Я пилил мой мёд сегодня
I’m going to make you mine – Я иду копать тебе шахту
My God be with you – Майская хорошая пчёлка с тобой
Finish people – Конченные люди
Bad influence – Плохая простуда
Phone seller – Позвони продавцу
Good products – Бог на стороне уток
Let’s have a party – Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! – Посмотри снаружи
I know his story well – Я знаю исторический колодец
Let it be – Давайте жрать пчёл
Press space bar to continue – Космический бар прессы продолжает

I love this Doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ляська



one more...

*A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'


*'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'