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Кулинарный форум Хорошей кухни > Разговоры > Практика английского


Автор: innok 18.02.2008 - 10:09
Вообще-то форум русскоговорящий... Но тут в "учим английский" промелькнула идея о создании англоговорящей темки для практики. Вот я и взяла на себя смелость такую открыть. Во что она выльется и выльется ли во что-то неизвестно. Но можно попробовать, да?

Let's begin with...

LESSON N1 wink.gif

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Автор: light225 18.02.2008 - 10:14
innok laugh.gif biggrin.gif
Да уж, что может быть удивительней правды biggrin.gif, писатели бы до такого не додумались blink.gif.

Автор: розмарин 18.02.2008 - 10:34
innok
А теперь всё тоже самое... только по русски. wink.gif

Автор: Nara 18.02.2008 - 18:16
розмарин laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: innok 18.02.2008 - 18:54
розмарин
не, чего мне переводить - пусть кто-нибудь из изучающих етот язык переведёт. Но если нет, то я тебе перевод в личку дня через 3 отправлю

Автор: Danilina 18.02.2008 - 18:55
innok
Цитата
А теперь всё тоже самое... только по русски

Просоеденяюсь!! laugh.gif blink.gif blink.gif

Автор: розмарин 18.02.2008 - 21:01
Nara
Danilina
tongue.gif tongue.gif

innok
Я перевела только...
Урок №1.
а всё остальное пусть девочки. wink.gif

В английском я ноль! Он мне даже в школе не давался... хотя оценка 4 стоит! wink.gif
За красивые глазки tongue.gif !!!!

Автор: Danilina 18.02.2008 - 23:03
розмарин
Цитата
Урок №1.

перед етим стоит "сеичас мы начинаем"! И еще пару знакомых слов нашла(но понять смысл текста мне ето не помогло). sad.gif sad.gif
Таааак, глядишь вот так совместными усилиями мы чаво нябудь и переведем!! laugh.gif

innok
Цитата
то я тебе перевод в личку дня через 3 отправлю

Тоже желаю иметь.

Иннуль, у меня к тебе предложение, ты нам лучше "Английский для чайников" начни преподовать, я тогда у тебя самая прилежная ученичка буду.
wub.gif wub.gif wub.gif

Автор: alisia 19.02.2008 - 04:57
innok
я вообще ноль, из школьной программы пару слов и из песен ещё два. wacko.gif В тексте говорится что-то о сигарах и возможно о штрафе за курение в неположенном месте, что-то о страховках?!! я верно интуитивно мыслю? это по первым фразам! Или совсем мимо?!! ph34r.gif

Автор: innok 19.02.2008 - 08:08
о сигарах, страховке - правильно, всё остальное - мимо. smile.gif
ладно, девы всем, кто просит, пошлю перевод через 3-4 дня. Пока просто читаем текст (вначале без словаря, кто хочет - выписывает слова и переводит). Переводы буду посылать в личку, если, кто из американок, англичанок, австралиек или канадок присоединится, будет здорово. Девоньки, преподавать я не могу - у меня он у самой не 100%, да и учить уметь надо.
Даваите так, вы- читаете, кто может - переводит, я отсылаю переводы, вы сверяете и пытаетесь совместить оба текста. После чего вючиваете основные слова.
Буду исдкать более простые тексты.
Но неплохо, если вы попытаетесь вести всю переписку здесь на английском. Не надо боятся ошибок, или стеснятся их.
He who does nothing, makes no mistakes. Всем понятно?

Автор: innok 19.02.2008 - 08:52
розмарин
Danilina
alisia
Ladies, look in you mailboxes, the translation should be there wink.gif

Автор: bloodygirl 19.02.2008 - 09:45
Цитата (innok @ 19.02.2008 - 09:08)

He who does nothing, makes no mistakes.

Кто ничего не делает, тот не ошибается)) tongue.gif

Автор: bloodygirl 19.02.2008 - 09:55
wacko.gif Да уж, ну и адвокаты.. У нас бы в России так не прокатило)) А страховики тож молодцы)) главное, чтоб за страховку деньги платили, и они застрахуют все что угодно)))))) Кошмар какой-то!

Автор: spark 19.02.2008 - 12:57
smile.gif

Автор: innok 19.02.2008 - 16:18
bloodygirl
Пожалуйста, давайте оставим комментарии о менталитетах для других тем smile.gif
Меня, например, ситуация, что я могу застраховать всё, что угодно, и при потере имучества получить деньги устаривает, кого-то нет. Ну и зачем нам об етом спорить? wink.gif
За перевод - спасибо. smile.gif

Автор: innok 19.02.2008 - 16:33
And one more time for everybody:

Цитата
Но неплохо, если вы попытаетесь вести всю переписку здесь на английском. Не надо боятся ошибок, или стеснятся их.
smile.gif

Автор: bloodygirl 19.02.2008 - 18:18
innok
cool.gif oh, I wanted to say not this.
I know English some well because I had boyfriend from England

Автор: Ляська 19.02.2008 - 18:24
bloodygirl
Цитата
oh, I wanted to say not this.

"Oh, I didn't want to say this", or better yet "I didn't mean to say this".
Цитата
I know English some well because I had boyfriend from England

Not sure what you mean. wink.gif
"I know some English (or I know English well) because I had (I used to have) boyfriend from England".
No offence meant, I am merely correcting. wub.gif

Автор: innok 19.02.2008 - 18:49
bloodygirl
Ляська


Yes!!!! Girls, this is the activity I hope to see in this theme.
rolleyes.gif smile.gif

Автор: patricia 20.02.2008 - 12:36
To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman
who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Автор: Tathy 20.02.2008 - 16:54
innok, it was a wonderful idea to create this topic, thank you! smile.gif We all know that learning English - or any other foreign language - is impossible without regular practice.
Цитата (Ляська @ 19.02.2008 - 19:24)
"I know some English (or I know English well) because I had (I used to have) boyfriend from England".
No offence meant, I am merely correcting.  wub.gif

Ляська, bloodygirl, people speak languages, not know. You can say it in Russian in this way - я знаю английский - but using this verb in English sentence relating to competence in languages is completely incorrect.
patricia, biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif "18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18" - the stark reality of life biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Автор: Ляська 20.02.2008 - 18:12
Tathy
Цитата
people speak languages, not know

Disagree.
Speaking language doesn't really mean knowing it. One's language can be picked up "from the street" and considered acceptable by certain group of people, however by no means the language of this person can be considered truly academic. Academic language demands the broad knowledge of words, language structures, and concepts. Shall I go into more details now?

Автор: light225 20.02.2008 - 18:13
patricia laugh.gif rolleyes.gif .

Автор: innok 20.02.2008 - 18:15
patricia
THANK YOU! Translation is yours! wink.gif

Автор: Nara 20.02.2008 - 19:02
patricia
Цитата
18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.


Super!!! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: strela 20.02.2008 - 19:25
innok
Great idea!
I'm with you!
Now reading the text...

Не, ну действительно - мысля отличная с изучением англиЦкого! Мине нАравицца! wub.gif laugh.gif

Автор: innok 20.02.2008 - 19:33
strela

Perrrrrrrrrrrfect!

Автор: Tathy 21.02.2008 - 09:58
Цитата (Ляська @ 20.02.2008 - 19:12)
Tathy

Disagree.
Speaking language doesn't really mean knowing it. One's language can be picked up "from the street" and considered acceptable by certain group of people, however by no means the language of this person can be considered truly academic. Academic language demands the broad knowledge of words, language structures, and concepts. Shall I go into more details now?

You definitely shouldn't smile.gif The point is that you have corrected your mistake yourself, without my assistance - one indeed gets the knowledge of "words, language structures, and concepts"© but not of the language itself. No matter how person learns the language, after all he/she knows not the language, he/she knows how to speak it. To sum up, you have two possible variants: "I speak English" and "I know how to speak English". Both variants are correct grammatically and under the matter of word usage, the second one though is of rude style, no native speaker would ever use that phrase.
You see, two higher education in linguistics, BEC Higher and continuous communication with native speakers (speakers of fine dictionary English, not broken or pigeon) allows me to be dead sure of the ostensible truth of my statement smile.gif
Besides it's one of the frequent questions in various English tests on word usage, for example:
Fill in the gaps choosing the words from the list below. There is only one variant correct for every sentence:
My sister have been learning German since she was 10, now she ... it pretty well.
1) says
2) knows
3) speaks
4) tells

Hopefully now it's needless to tell you that the only correct variant here is #3 smile.gif
Anyway lectures of such themes are of little interest for other posters who come here to converse with each other. Therefore I suggest using private message inbox in case you have any further questions smile.gif


Автор: spark 21.02.2008 - 11:14
Ladies, look up at this web-site, perhaps it'll help you out! smile.gif
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learning...mar/index.shtml
— http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/index.shtml

Автор: patricia 21.02.2008 - 20:49
Цитата (innok @ 20.02.2008 - 19:15)
patricia
THANK YOU! Translation is yours! wink.gif

innok wub.gif U MAKE ME BLUSH. wub.gif
Let`s leave it how it is.

Автор: innok 21.02.2008 - 21:18
Tathy
Just want to put my 5 cents in smile.gif. Probably, you are correct, but it is perfectly OK for American English to say "I know some Spanish", which would mean: "I will, probably, understand if you try to speak Spanish to me". And the remark from my co-worker:” as an American you can say whatever the hell you want" laugh.gif

Автор: Ляська 21.02.2008 - 23:46
innok
Цитата
And the remark from my co-worker:” as the American you can say whatever the hell you want"

This pretty much sums up everything! And that's what I'd heard this morning from my co-workers. But one of them added, nevertheless: "Nobody speaks proper English nowadays". Very profound thought.
And on a lighter note:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Автор: innok 22.02.2008 - 01:13
Right now I am suffering from a very strong case of Weary Overload Recreational Killer sad.gif

Автор: innok 22.02.2008 - 03:00
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married.
Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
because I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

Автор: Jazzinitup 22.02.2008 - 04:21
Цитата
"as the American you can say whatever the hell you want"

In,isn't it suppose to be "an American"?


Anyways, you guys, here is a little video for you all to watch..and learn how NOT to speak English.;0)))) Oh, and some of the comments are hilarious!(not the late entries though)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww


and to counterpart the above, here is another great ones (parody wink.gif):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F226lI-lo5M&feature=related
— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F226lI-lo5M&feature=related


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQc6oBCuDXk&feature=user
— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQc6oBCuDXk&feature=user


<chuckle>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAJUMYGgfZA&feature=related
— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAJUMYGgfZA&feature=related


Enjoy!:)

..Teeheehee

Автор: Gane 22.02.2008 - 10:38
patricia
laugh.gif
excellent joke!

Автор: patricia 22.02.2008 - 12:23
Ляська
innok
HILARIOUS!!! tongue.gif
Gane -I thought-as girls we`d appreciate it. wink.gif

Автор: Маня 22.02.2008 - 12:58
это называется тема для изучения английского или мы англошпрехающие пообщаемся межеду собой? unsure.gif

Инн, историю я не прочитала но знаю о чем она, слышала о ней smile.gif а давать тексты и потом слать перевод по ним - не интересно, я лучше так чего по ангельски почитаю или с компом моим пошпрехаю, он еще и мне про мое произношение мнение высказывает...

Автор: Маня 22.02.2008 - 13:04
Jazzinitup
Ирр, это английский очень хорошо знать надо чтобы понять че там эт мадам не того наговорила unsure.gif

Автор: patricia 22.02.2008 - 14:59
Цитата (Маня @ 22.02.2008 - 13:58)
это называется тема для изучения английского или мы англошпрехающие пообщаемся межеду собой? unsure.gif




Маня
Темка-несерьёзная wink.gif -кое что,по желанию ,можно игнорировать. cool.gif

Автор: Маня 22.02.2008 - 15:05
patricia
понятно что несерьезная, просто если тут такие все спецы собрались и я через слово чего понимаю - то желание вставить свои 5 копеек пропадает unsure.gif

Автор: Nara 22.02.2008 - 17:16
innok
Цитата
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: innok 22.02.2008 - 19:31
Маня
так принуждения никакого wink.gif если хочешь серьёзно изучать - есть тема "Изучаем английский".
Цитата
а давать тексты и потом слать перевод по ним - не интересно

Тань, я тебе перевод посылала? нет! Так в чём проблема?
Те кто его попросил тут, или через личку его получили и остались довольны. Поетому темку можешь игнорировать абсолютно без зазрения совести.
Jazzinitup
You are right, "an American"! smile.gif

Автор: Маня 22.02.2008 - 19:38
да темка вроде как началась как возможность для начинающих по английски пообщаться, или я не так поняла...обрадовалсь понимаешли, думала потренеруюсь, но куда ж мне с вашим английским sad.gif

Автор: innok 22.02.2008 - 19:44
Так, начинай, а там посмотришь, что же ты сразу для себя двери закрываешь, а уровень у всех разный. Я через 15 лет в Америке всё равно ошибки делаю (правда в письме больше smile.gif )

Автор: innok 22.02.2008 - 20:30
It is very easy to understand, but sooooooooo funny laugh.gif

AT&T
rbyron@tx.ncsu.edu (Robert Byron)
North Carolina State University

(smirk, true, original)

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at
the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check,
can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute.
Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the
Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up
for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...
AT&T: (click)


[I wrote this story about a year ago and have been seeing it posted on
several joke lists. I thought now was a good time to claim the credit as the
creator of the piece. I will add, because I have heard that a few think
otherwise, that the AT&T story is based entirely on fact. The original can
be found at http://members.xoom.com/Robeo
— http://members.xoom.com/Robeo
for those who are interested.]



Автор: patricia 22.02.2008 - 21:07
innok
laugh.gif It IS funny!!!
& LISTEN TO THIS!!!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs6p3YAQ7Jw&feature=related
— http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs6p3YAQ7Jw&feature=related

Автор: spark 27.02.2008 - 08:48
Почитайте, это шутка о курьезах владения/невладения языка. надеюсь вы поймете игру слов и звуков. ( Aussies - это сленг "австралийцы")

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging
her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change?
Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too' wink.gif

Автор: patricia 27.02.2008 - 18:28
Чудесный выход из положения. rolleyes.gif

Автор: innok 27.02.2008 - 18:39
spark
That is so funny! My little one told me this jock 2 weeks ago, but it ended with 'f...ck you Americans too' laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: Ляська 27.02.2008 - 20:18
spark
tongue.gif tongue.gif tongue.gif

Автор: innok 2.03.2008 - 07:00
Hm, seems like he has some good ideas...

Get Him to Open Up
David Zinczenko
Posted Fri, Feb 15, 2008, 2:17 pm PST
... one Men's Health survey shows that 70 percent of women complain that their men don't listen to them at least some of the time.

To which most guys would reply: "What did you say, hon?" But in defense of my fellow men (and myself), I believe that only half of the fault lies with us. For a guy, talking to us is a lot like making love: We, too, need to be warmed up, and the mood and the time have to be right.

Fact is, your man may be dodging "meaningful" relationship conversations not because he can't stand them or fears them, but because he's just not prepared to talk at the times you approach him.

You can increase your chances of being heard, and earning a response, by maximizing his listening powers and attention span. Here are four ways to achieve that.

Pick the Right Time

To you, his schedule of "important" basketball games and "critical" fantasy baseball planning sessions and "interminable" bathroom time might seem to be crowding out "together" time. But all that may be a sign that he's feeling emotionally overloaded, not emotionally numb.

He needs his down time, just like you do. Maybe even more so. It's long been known that women are more emotionally fluent than guys - more verbal, with more people, on more topics. Guys tend to withdraw, in part because the areas of their brains that process speech and emotion are less fully developed.

All the more reason, then, to schedule your big discussions at smart times. The worst times: In the hour he gets home (he needs to cast off the office demons), right after the kids go to bed (everybody needs a break at that moment), and especially not right after the two of you settle heads on pillows (you need to gentle each other to sleep then, not rile each other up).

Better options: On a walk over the weekend, or over a mug of hot chocolate in the middle part of the evening. Another way of showing him conversational consideration - broach the topic du jour in an afternoon text or email, so he has a chance to think about it a bit before the conversation begins.

Save Heavy Convos for the Car

If you need to have a long, deep discussion - like about the direction of your relationship, or your suspicion that his grandmother is turning into a cat lady - then it seems natural to want to have the conversation on the couch or in the kitchen. But do that, with lots of intense eye contact and close scrutiny, and he may retreat, be defensive, or clam up.

It's the old cornered-animal syndrome, and that won't facilitate the interchange you're after. So when the topic is serious or involved, initiate the conversation in the car. Side-by-side, the way you sit when you're taking the interstate to grandma's furry palace, means he'll feel less on the spot, more comfortable.

If he's behind the wheel, he's in control and feeling confident. If he's the passenger, he's got time on his hands. Either way, he'll listen - and say - more.


Ask for His Help

Women and men tend to talk about personal problems with different goals in mind. She tends to talk them out in order to simply be understood and maybe to engender some sympathy, while he may come into it with a strict handyman psychology: You got problems, I've got answers.

So she gets upset when he tries to fix her problems instead of sympathizing with her, and maybe accuses him of not fully listening. Then he gets upset for being stonewalled when he offers solutions.

It's true: Men need to be better at refraining from an "I got it" solution for every problem, but maybe women need to meet them half way, and make finding a solution part of the sympathy session. You're both happy if she fully vents, and he helps brainstorm a way out of the mess. A team approach here can work wonders. Believe or not, every guy wants to be considered a perfect partner, as this amusing and perceptive article points out.

Do it Naked

Yes, a good time to talk can be, indeed, right after the deed. It's one of the times he feels closest to his woman, and that's when he's most likely to feel a little more comfortable talking about deeper issues.

The lights are down, the bonding hormones are flowing, and you're a team. Like women who may feel less inhibited about their bodies in the darkness, men feel the same way with their words.

The love you've demonstrated physically just might spill over into kind-hearted considerations of the verbal variety. And the deeper the talk, the more you'll learn about each other. Take this surprising quiz to see how well-suited you are for each other. You're guaranteed to learn a lot about each other - fast.

Автор: innok 15.03.2008 - 00:59
Now some people are really stupid, but...

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.


This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,

with customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February

and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,

and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died,

but now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank.


Here is the exchange:


Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died back in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member : "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank : "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank : "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member : "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member : "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank : "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : "I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member : "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank : (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member : "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member : "Sure." (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank : "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member : "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member : "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank : "That might help."

Family Member : " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank : "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member : "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

Автор: Ляська 17.03.2008 - 21:03
innok
tongue.gif tongue.gif tongue.gif
You've made my day! It's so true about Citi.

Автор: innok 30.04.2008 - 23:03
Eleven Things You Will Not Learn in School

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Eleven Things You Will Not Learn in School Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head...

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger fl ipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!














Автор: Rita2 1.05.2008 - 13:58
ПОЗДРАВЛЯЮ С ПЕРВОМАЕМ!!!

Пусть в делах всегда и всюду
Вам сопутствует успех!
И сегодня, в праздник майский,
Будьте Вы все счастливей всех!


ПОЗДРАВЛЯЮ С ПЕРВОМАЕМ

Автор: innok 1.05.2008 - 22:38
Забавно, любопытно и работает как успокоительное, для родителей старших школьников и студентов wink.gif

High School and Elementary School Dropouts
Dropped Out, But Later Received High-School Diploma Equivalency Status
(months, years, or decades later: equivalency diploma, honorary diploma, admission to a college or university, or other schooling or training of high merit)

Dropped Out of High School, Joined Military, & Eventually Received Diploma Equivalency Status

Total Names: 717
Males: 548
Females: 169

Billionaires: 25
Millionaires: uncounted
U.S. Presidents: 8
Astronauts: 1 (Valentina Tereshkova)
Nobel Prize Winners: 10 (6 Literature, 2 Peace, 1 Physics, 1 Chemistry)
Nobel Prize Nominees: 11 (includes above and Heather Mills)
Olympic Medal Winners: 8 (7 Gold Medalists, one Silver Medalist)
Oscar Winners: 62
Oscar Nominees: 104 (includes above)
Other Award Winners: uncounted
Best-Selling Authors: 55
Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients (U.S.'s highest civilian honor): 14
Congressional Gold Medal recipients (U.S.): 12
United Nations Goodwill Ambassadors: 2 (Roger Moore, Angelina Jolie)
Knighthoods: 27
Damehoods: 3

Note: Individuals leave school prior to graduation for a variety of reasons, not just the automatically assumed "failing grades" or being a "troublemaker." Other reasons include a health problem, pregnancy, a need to help the family earn income, a tragic loss to the family, a need to care for siblings or an ailing parent, frequent relocation, war or natural catastrophe conditions in home country, unresolved problems with teachers or classmates, boredom due to education quality issues, or a desire to devote full time to an already established or emerging professional career. There are high-school dropouts in the membership of Mensa, the high-IQ organization. Alternative terms for "dropout" used by the military and educational institutions are "non-high school graduate" and "high-school nongraduate."

While it is a fact and very important to stress that more opportunities exist for individuals who have at least a high school diploma, the names on these lists also add considerable weight to the discussion of what constitutes markers of human intelligence and a person's potential worth to society and historically civilization as a whole. These names represent examples of human perseverance, creativity, and in a great many instances genius. These are the most comprehensive lists ever compiled on this subject, but are by no means complete.

http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/lists/dropouts.html
— http://www.angelfire.com/stars4/lists/dropouts.html



Famous Alums
Authors:
F Scott Fitzgerald dropped out of Princeton, Dec. 1915
William Faulkner dropped out of the University of Mississippi
Edward Albee (playwright) dropped out of Trinity College, Hartford, Connecticut, after 3 semesters

Comics:
Woody Allen (Woody Allen) was expelled from New York University and City College of New York
Steve Martin (wild & crazy guy) dropped out of Long Beach State College, where he was a philosophy major; though Steve had excellent grades, he says he became disillusioned upon reading Wittgenstein's view that "all philosophical problems can be reduced to problems of semantics"!!
Rosie O'Donnell (movies, tv, K-mart ads) dropped out of Dickinson College and Boston University
Ellen DeGeneres (tv) dropped out of University of New Orleans
Dan Aykroyd (SNL) dropped out of Carleton University, Ottawa

Computers:
Bill Gates (Microsoft) dropped out of Harvard, 1976
Steve Jobs (Apple, NeXT, Pixar) left Reed College in Portland, Oregon, after 1 semester
Steve Wozniak (with Jobs, founded Apple Computer)
Lawrence Ellison (Oracle Computer)
Michael Dell (Dell Computer) dropped out of the University of Texas

Other Business:
David Geffen (Geffen Records, Dreamworks SKG) flunked out of University of Texas, Austin, AND Brooklyn College, NY
H Wayne Huizenga (Blockbuster Video millionaire, owner of Miami Dolphins, Florida Panthers and Florida Marlins) attended Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Michigan, for 3 semesters
Ted Turner (media mogul) -kicked out, I hear!
Ron Popeil (tv huckster, RONCO)
William Hanna (Hanna-Barbera)

Conservatives:
Barry Goldwater ( berRepublican, Au H2O) Can you believe the anti-hippie himself tuned in, turned on, and dropped out? (Well, he dropped out at least)
Rush Limbaugh (media personality, tie salesman) spent 1 year at Southeastern Missouri State University before dropping out

Movies/TV:
Tom Hanks (actor) dropped out of CalState, Sacramento
Dustin Hoffman (actor)
Warren Beatty (actor)
Richard Gere (actor)
Burt Reynolds (former actor)
Sharon Stone (actress)
Bruce Willis (parody of an actor)
James Cameron (director of "Independence Day")
James Dean (actor, rebel, postage stamp)
Bill Murray (SNL, movies)
Andie MacDowell (actress)
Michael Keaton (actor)
Dennis Quaid (actor)
Kevin Sorbo (tv's Hercules)
Marisa Tomei (actress)
Brad Pitt (actor)
Stan Brakhage (experimental filmmaker)

Music:
David Byrne (Talking Heads) dropped out of the Rhode Island School of Design
Perry Farrell (Jane's Addiction, Porno for Pyros)
Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails)
Yoko Ono (you know) dropped out of Sarah Lawrence College
Burl Ives (appears in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas Special!)
Arlo Guthrie (singer) dropped out of Rocky Mountain College, Billings, Montana
Charlie Rich (Memphis blues musician, singer, songwriter)

Other Media:
Nina Totenberg (public radio) dropped out of Boston University






Автор: innok 8.05.2008 - 01:48
Не всё же учиться, правда?

Easy english for busy russian - Английский для занятых


Lеt's hаvе а раrtу - Давайте организуем партию.
Саn Yоu hеаr mе -Ты можешь меня здесь.
Undrеssеd сustоm mоdеl - Голая таможенная модель.
Маniсurе - Деньги лечат.
I'm just аsking - Я всего лишь король жоп.
I hаvе bееn thеrе - У меня там фасоль.
Gоd оnlу knоws - Единственный нос бога.
Wе аrе thе сhаmрiоns - Мы шампиньоны.
Dо Yоu fееl аlright? - Ты справа всех знаешь?
Вуе bуе bаbу, bаbу gооd bуе - Купи купи ребенка, ребёнок хорошая покупка.
То bе оr nоt tо bе? - Пчела или не пчела?.
I fеll in lоvе - Я свалился в любовь.
Just in саsе - Только в портфеле.
I will nеvеr givе uр - Меня никогда не тошнит.
Оh dеаr - Ах олень.
I sаw mу Ноnеу tоdау - Я пилил мой мед сегодня.
I'm gоing tо mаkе уоu minе - Я иду копать тебе шахту.
Мау Gоd bе with уоu - Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой.
Finnish реорlе - Конченные люди.
Ваd influеnсе - Плохая простуда.
Рhоnе sеllеr - Позвони продавцу.
Gооd рrоduсts - Бог на стороне уток.
Wаtсh оut! - Посмотри снаружи!
I knоw his stоrу wеll - Я знаю твой исторический колодец.
Рrеss sрасе bаr tо соntinuе - Космический бар прессы продолжает.
I lоvе уоu bаbу - Я люблю вас, бабы!

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif


Автор: СМАЙЛИК 8.05.2008 - 06:33
innok
Ой мамочки, Иннуль и где ето ты такое выкапываешь? laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: innok 8.05.2008 - 23:24
How old is Grandpa???


Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

‘grass' was mowed,

‘coke' was a cold drink,

‘pot' was something your mother cooked in and

‘rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

‘Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,

‘ chip' meant a piece of wood,

‘hardware' was found in a hardware store and

‘software' wasn't even a word.


And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.


Are you ready ?????


















This man would be only 59 years old

Автор: innok 9.05.2008 - 00:16
Celebrities Say the Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

Автор: innok 9.05.2008 - 00:21
Beleive it or not, but it is interesting

Cancer Update from John Hopkins

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.

3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9 When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.

12. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

13. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence,Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

14. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

15. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

16. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply. CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be "Manuka" honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in color. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts)and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).

e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.


(PLEASE FORWARD IT TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT)




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


CANCER UPDATE FROM JOHN HOPKINS HOSPITAL - PLEASE READ

1. No plastic containers in micro.
2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters.

This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well.
Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer.
Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies.
Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.
Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers.
This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releas es dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else.
Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This article that should be sent to anyone important in your life.

Автор: spark 14.05.2008 - 08:45
Men Are Just Happier People (?!)

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Автор: innok 14.05.2008 - 10:23
May be it is true and they are happier people? unsure.gif wink.gif laugh.gif

Автор: Ляська 14.05.2008 - 20:33
spark
laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: spark 15.05.2008 - 01:44
Ok', one more... wink.gif


Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't . you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a
pervert.

If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain.

If you don't .... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers .... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself.

If you don't .... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache . you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So - Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Автор: innok 6.06.2008 - 07:20
Очень хорошо для поднятия самооценки:

“Why I love women’s bodies”
By Christine M. Coppa

Tall, short, plump or petite, one thing is universal—no matter what a woman’s shape, there’s a man out there who’ll appreciate it! To prove our point, listen to what these guys have to say, and feel your confidence soar… no matter what your body type.

The pleasure of plus
“My wife is plus-size — and it’s a plus in every aspect of the word — especially when it comes to spooning.”
– Anthony Abruccio, 39, Brooklyn, NY

Stay strong
“I like muscles! My girl’s arms are cut, toned and sexy—and I love when she wraps ’em around me.”
– Carl Steir, 31, Clifton, NJ

Boyish bodies rock!
“I’m not lusting after the classic Playboy centerfold. My girlfriend is a 32A, and I love when she goes braless—especially in a clingy tank-top.”
– Dan Cooke, 24, Asotin, WA

Muscles, schmuscles…
“My girl’s middle is soft and luscious and every time she complains about it, I hug her belly. I love that part of her body best—it’s so womanly.”
– Roger Abrams, 31, Browning, MO

Short and sweet
“Everyone thinks tall models are so glamorous, but my fiancée is just five feet tall. It’s so adorable when she stands on her tippy-toes to kiss me.”
– Josh Cooper, 29, New York, NY

On the lean and narrow
“I’ve dated women of all shapes, sizes and races. I’m engaged to a tomboy with narrow hips and pin-thin legs. It’s all good!”
– Josh Wood, 31, Houston, TX

When thin isn’t in
“I used to date a dieter. She obsessed over everything she ate and was depressed every single time she looked in the mirror. My new girlfriend loves to eat and bake. She’s not thin or heavy. She’s healthy, and I’m happy!”
– Matt Magino, 29, Brick, NJ

Bathing beauty
“I met my current girlfriend last summer. She’s plus-size, but was romping around on the beach in a bikini. There was something very confident and free in the way she moved. She didn’t cover up or hide anything, and there was this fresh air about her that I really fell for.”
– Anthony Douglas, 28, Mission Viejo, CA

Christine M. Coppa is adjusting to her softer, post-baby body. She writes for Glamour.com.

Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 00:56
Yiddish Proverbs

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

One old friend is better than two new ones.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavour.

A wise man hears one word and understands two.

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Golda Meir (1898-1978)

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.

To a visiting diplomat: "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

Woody Allen

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying

I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!

Albert Einstein

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.

Sign hanging in his office at Princeton: Imagination is more important than knowledge

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:03


Californians.........

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, it's your turn..
you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . .. . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your Governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:27
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

</ SPAN>-------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow. < /FONT>

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,32 1

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

----------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you ca n read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN o n the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!













Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:33

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and
was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth."
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had articipated
in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had
for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be
his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on
the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth
and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing
in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey is doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on
campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties,
and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too
hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've
invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to
nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican
party."



Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:37


*Becoming Illegal

(Actual letter from an
Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731
Hart Senate
Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC ,
20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently
passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of
this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in
the
United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen
is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five
years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it out*.
*


Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the
United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden
of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.*

Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:55
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Alabama man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don"t even know who you are!"

The Alabama man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma"am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:57
The Frog and Golf






THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God
-----------------------------------------

Автор: innok 28.06.2008 - 01:59
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95, just outside Washington DC ; nothing's moving in either direction.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened...What's the hold up?"



"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Ried, and John Kerry; they are asking for a $100 million ransom.
If their demands are not met, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."



The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"



"About a gallon." the man answered.



**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************



A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway.
She brought it inside, opened it ... and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

Автор: Пакат 3.07.2008 - 05:48
OHIP
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. "Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but OHIP will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Автор: innok 3.07.2008 - 17:40
Пакат
laugh.gif

Автор: Ляська 3.07.2008 - 20:15
innok
Пакат
laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: Пакат 5.07.2008 - 01:02
"Mummy, Daddy, I've found out what sex is."
"Well?"
"It's something between five and seven."

Автор: innok 17.07.2008 - 01:39
Lessons from the Wizard of Oz
by Will Craig
Most of us are familiar with the story of Dorothy and the friends she meets on her way to find the Wizard. The Scarecrow who felt he lacked a brain; the Tin Man who didn’t think he had a heart; and the Cowardly Lion who wished he had courage.

The Wizard (a man whose heart was in the right place but whose ethics needed some work) actually exercised some effective coaching skills at the end of the story.

For each of Dorothy’s three friends, he fostered a sense of belief that they, indeed, had those things they sought so desperately. He convinced the Scarecrow he was smart by giving him a diploma. The Tin Woodsman received his gift from the Wizard and knew he now had a heart because it was breaking. The Cowardly Lion became instantly courageous when he received his medal for bravery.

Believing In Yourself
When Dorothy saw her friends all get what they wanted she was in firm belief she could certainly have what she wanted. Glynda, the Good Witch, had Dorothy repeat, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

Each of them, as it turns out, already had inside of them the answers they were seeking. Ironically, they had the potential and the ability to grant their own desires from the very beginning. The only thing missing was belief.

The beauty of The Wizard of Oz is that we are all able to identify with the characters and their challenges along life’s path. Doesn’t it make you think of the fantastic life you could have if you really believed you could?

Автор: innok 15.08.2008 - 01:36
Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Автор: Breeze 15.08.2008 - 22:15
innok
It's so true. laugh.gif

Автор: innok 26.09.2008 - 18:52
--- Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative: for example: Ignoranus



1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif



2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.



9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



12. Glibido: All talk and no action



13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



And, the pick of the lot...



17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


Автор: innok 27.10.2008 - 22:56
И сюда добралась политика... Но... yлыбнуло, может и , правда, выход? wink.gif

Service to our country



Drafting Guys over 60----this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier. New Direction for the war on terrorists.


Send Service Vets over 60


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ...ER.... One.'


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.


If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!


Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it!

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words
.

Автор: innok 30.10.2008 - 20:30
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as Premier League 5.0, Six Nations 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

_____________________________________

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'HTTP: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

Автор: happy 3.11.2008 - 21:13
innok, Пакатbiggrin.gif biggrin.gif

After the woman gave birth to her baby, the doctor
stood solemnly at her bedside.

"I have something I must tell you about your
baby.."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female
parts."

"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has
a penis and a brain?"

Автор: innok 3.11.2008 - 21:19
happy
laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: Нигуля 3.11.2008 - 22:03
немного не по теме:
Can you hear me – Ты можешь меня здесь
Undressed custom model – Голая таможенная модель
Manicure – Деньги лечат
I’m just asking – Я всего лишь король жоп
I have been there – У меня там фасоль
God only knows – Единственный нос Бога
We are the champions – Мы – шампиньоны
Do You feel alright? – Ты справа всех чувствуешь?
Bye bye, baby, baby good bye – Купи, купи ребёнка, ребёнок хорошая покупка
To be or not to be – Две пчелы или не две пчелы?
I fell in love – Я свалился в любовь
Just in case – Только в портфеле
I will never give up – Меня никогда не тошнит
Oh, dear! – Ах, олень!
I saw my honey today – Я пилил мой мёд сегодня
I’m going to make you mine – Я иду копать тебе шахту
My God be with you – Майская хорошая пчёлка с тобой
Finish people – Конченные люди
Bad influence – Плохая простуда
Phone seller – Позвони продавцу
Good products – Бог на стороне уток
Let’s have a party – Давайте организуем партию
Watch out! – Посмотри снаружи
I know his story well – Я знаю исторический колодец
Let it be – Давайте жрать пчёл
Press space bar to continue – Космический бар прессы продолжает

Автор: Ляська 3.11.2008 - 22:22
I love this Doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Автор: spark 2.12.2008 - 23:44
Ляська
biggrin.gif


one more... wink.gif

*A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'


*'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

Автор: innok 18.12.2008 - 20:59
It's hard to plan an company Christmas party ...





FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous re questing a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*****G Employees>
DATE: 8 November>
RE: The F------g Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f-----g salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday - drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Автор: innok 23.12.2008 - 19:16
Не знаю читает ли кто-то, то, что я сюда ставлю, но буду продолжать.

В одном Нью_Йоркском магазине (The Greenwich Village gourmet grocery store, Balducci's) появился такой продукт.

Не знаю читает ли кто-то, то, что я сюда ставлю, но буду продолжать

По етому поводу было открыто несколько блогов, привожу наиболее понравившиеся мне высказывания:
  • It's elephant meat. That's how my Grandpa used to call it, anyway.
  • Boneless ham comes from the "legs" of boneless pigs, and I quote "legs" because without bones, there's really only a leg-analogue, not a proper leg. Being without endoskeleton, such pigs have no feet, they have no need for hooves, and indeed neither do they possess hooves. Without hooves, it is therefore a logical impossibility for them to have cloven hooves, and thus is the flesh of boneless pigs made kosher. The market for boneless ham has really taken off since.
  • Now how they managed to spiral-cut a ham without a central bone to wrap the knife around, that's a true miracle of technology.
  • Re .."Now how they managed to spiral-cut a ham without a central bone to wrap the knife around, that's a true miracle of technology.."-
    Lasers, maybe? So, seeing this, can the Holy Grail of culinarity, the Kosher cheeseburger, be near afoot?
  • Everyone knows ham isn't for Chaunaukah; it's for Pesach
  • I like the little yarmulke of sour cream.
  • But fried food is traditional on Hanukkah, to commemorate the oil. Wouldn't some nice crispy bacon be more appropriate?
  • Well you know, you don't win friends with bitter herbs. Now if only that were the correct holiday...

Автор: innok 23.12.2008 - 19:19
А ето статья из Daily News:

Balducci's offers ham for Chanukah
BY BILL HUTCHINSON
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Thursday, December 6th 2007, 4:00 AM


Balducci's in Greenwich Village advertises tasty boneless spiral ham as 'Delicious for Chanukah.' Store blamed a clerk for the gaffe.
Oy vey! Pork for Chanukah?

The Greenwich Village gourmet grocery store, Balducci's, has become the butt of the Jewish holiday by advertising its boneless hams as "Delicious for Chanukah."

Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro, 46, spotted the kosher faux pas while browsing the meat section Saturday at the chain's outpost at Eighth Ave. and W. 14th St.

When Shapiro went back Sunday, she took photos of the unorthodox display promoting boneless spiral-cut hams for $8.99 a pound, petite smoked hams for $6.99 a pound and boneless smoked hams for $6.29 a pound.

Instead of pointing out the mistake to management, she posted the snapshots on her blog to "amuse others."

"I just thought it was funny," Shapiro, a self-described "unobservant Jew," said. "I wasn't offended in any way. I just thought, here's somebody who knows nothing about what Jews eat."

Shapiro said that when she went back to the store Tuesday, the first night of Chanukah, the signs had vanished.

A Balducci's official was so verklempt about the error he didn't want to speak on the record. He fessed up that "it was a mistake," blaming it on a stock clerk who normally doesn't work the meat department.

He referred all other questions to the company's marketing department in Connecticut.

Автор: GulyaV 23.12.2008 - 19:33
innok
А я думала, что кошерная свинина только в анекдотаx бывает. laugh.gif

Автор: innok 23.12.2008 - 19:35
"....
Но чтоб от Б-га по секрету,
Свинину ест мудрец Иосиф
И громко хвалит рыбу ету"

Губерман

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: СМАЙЛИК 23.12.2008 - 19:55
innok
Ну и мастерица ты Иннусь находить такое laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: malibu 23.12.2008 - 20:29
I like it a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

Автор: innok 23.12.2008 - 20:50
GulyaV
СМАЙЛИК
malibu
Thank G-d! Somebody reads my posts! laugh.gif

Автор: GulyaV 23.12.2008 - 21:30
innok
You know, it's like in that old Russian joke about the boy who broke his silence after remaining quiet for the first 7 years of his life: "There was nothing to talk about before."
I'm kidding. biggrin.gif
On a serious note, I think these posts are too difficult for our friends in Russia to understand. It's not just the language, either, but the American way of life, too.

InMyHumbleOpinion.

Автор: innok 23.12.2008 - 21:34
Well, you understand, I can't filter according to everybody's level. If somebody posts materials adapted for people who does not use English every day, it would be wonderful. I simply do not have an excess to this kind.
smile.gif

Автор: Klyukva 24.12.2008 - 19:58
innok
цитата::
Thank G-d! Somebody reads my posts!

Я читаю! Про бесхарактерно-бескопытных кошерных слонов! Понимаю ток половину, но читаю! laugh.gif

Автор: innok 24.12.2008 - 20:12
цитата::
бесхарактерно-бескопытных кошерных слонов

Самое главное ты уловила! Поетому за английский тебе в етом семестре - зачёт! laugh.gif

Автор: innok 11.02.2009 - 21:44
(The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ba ll when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have p osted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Автор: СМАЙЛИК 11.02.2009 - 22:37
innok
цитата::
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

This is the best part laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: nikolavna 12.02.2009 - 11:51
innok
цитата::
Самое главное ты уловила! Поетому за английский тебе в етом семестре - зачёт!

Инн, помнишь старинный фильм про экзамены: "Приём..., приём..., профессор, конечно, лопух, но рация Ваша при нём..."
Боюсь, что в большой степени наше "главное" обусловлено возможностями современного русскоязычного "Internet exporer"а - он умеет делать контекстно-зависимые подсказки английских слов... rolleyes.gif

Но всё равно: "Continue, please!"

Автор: nikolavna 12.02.2009 - 11:54
И ещё.
Девы, умоляю, поищите "у себя в и-нете", может, есть какие-то мультики англоязычные обучалки для детей в каком-нибудь "ю-тюбе" или где ещё? Не алфавит, а что-то более "the advanced"?

Автор: Ляська 27.03.2009 - 23:39
An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,=2
0
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son,
Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Автор: innok 27.03.2009 - 23:52
Ириш, поищу мультики.

Лар, грустно-то как....

Автор: innok 4.04.2009 - 02:34
For those of you who are sick of getting e-mails that tell you to forward it to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do, or there will be serious consequences if you don ' t, then you will enjoy this.

This is hilarious! (and it ' s ABOUT TIME someone did this!)

Click here
— http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf


Автор: innok 4.04.2009 - 02:40
Joke du jour...



1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy, who lost everything in Las Vegas, and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing is right, and on the right side nothing is left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it. (the second best, imho)

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that, if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's. (the best, imho)


Автор: Valerka 4.04.2009 - 02:42
nikolavna поищи на сайте www.hulu.com где -нибудь в разделе "фэмили". Это бесплатный сайт.
smile.gif
но это не обучалки, а нормальный американский сайт. Но мульты там тоже какиехто вроде есть.. Но больше фильмов и сериалов.



Кому хочется поржать..
http://www.ncoschool.com/dl/vid/Humor/GermanCoastguard.mpg
— http://www.ncoschool.com/dl/vid/Humor/GermanCoastguard.mpg

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Автор: innok 4.04.2009 - 18:05
Ириш, вот
— http://kindertoons.1stfreehosting.com/
, кажется подойдёт. Вообще-то ето серия для детишек лет 3-4, но как обучающий материал может сработать...

Автор: innok 4.04.2009 - 18:09
Valerka
Душевно! laugh.gif

Автор: nukri 14.06.2009 - 13:37
Можно погостить в этой теме?
Интересно здесь
— http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2bsQM7Q-mg&feature=PlayList&p=90BD1564CD03951B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=2


Это пособие поможет тем кто изучает английский язык!!! Ну, а по поводу алкогольных напитков...
Вы изучаете английский? Тогда это пособие сможет вам помочь.
Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола "to Vоdkа":
1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в исследуемом языке существуют глаголы:
1.1 неопределенные (Indеfinitе), то есть неизвестно, пьешь ты или не пьешь.
1.2 длительные (Соntinuоus), то есть ты пьешь и находишься в состоянии глубокого запоя.
1.3 завершенные (Реrfесt), то есть ты либо уже вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.
2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
2.1 настоящее (Рrеsеnt) - ваше отношение к спиртному
2.2 прошлое (Раst) - темное или светлое
2.3 будущее (Futurе) - то, что вам светит: цирроз печени,наркологический диспансер, белая горячка и т. п.
3. Теперь все смешиваем.
3.1. Рrеsеnt:
3.1.1. Рrеsеnt Indеfinitе (настоящее неопределенное) см. выше.
I vоdkа еvеrу dау. - Я пью водку каждый день.
Вместо еvеrу dау можно употреблять выражения: usuаllу, sеldоm, оftеn, frоm timе tо timе, frоm mеlkауа роsudа, bоlshimi glоtkаmу...
3.1.2. Рrеsеnt Соntinuоus (настоящее длительное):I аm vоdking nоw. - Я пью водку сейчас. Для эмфатического усиления с этим временем можно употреблять наречия: Не is соnstаntlу vоdking! - Он постоянно поддатый!
3.1.3. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt (настоящее завершенное): I hаvе аlrеаdу vоdkеd. - Я уже нажрамшись. (В ответ на предложение выпить).
3.1.4. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt Соntiniоus (настоящее завершенно-продолженное): I hаvе bееn vоdking sinсе сhildhооd. - Я пью водку с детства. (тип inсlusivе). Я пил водку с детства (но уже не пью). (тип ехсlusivе).
3.2. Раst:
3.2.1. Раst Indеfinitе (прошедшее неопределенное): I vоdkеd уеstеrdау. – Я напился вчера. (Не путать со временем 3.1.3., там ты напился только что).
3.2.2. Раst Соntinuоus (прошедшее длительное): Часто употребляется как придаточное предложение к главному во времени
3.2.1. Unfоrtunаnеlу, I wаs vоdking аt thе mоmеnt mу wifе саmе. - К несчастью,я пил водку в тот момент, когда пришла жена.
3.2.3. Раst Реrfесt (прошедшее завершенное): также употребляется как придаточное. I hаd аlrеаdу vоdkеd whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я уже упился, когда вошла жена.
3.2.4. Раst Реrfесt Соntinuоus (прошедшее завершенно-продолженное). I hаd bееn vоdking fоr аbоut а mоnth whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я пил водку уже около месяца, когда вошла моя жена.
3.3. Futurе:
3.3.1. Futurе Indеfinitе (будущее неопределенное). I will vоdkа tоmоrrоw. – Я буду пить водку завтра. Примечание: В придаточных предложениях времени и условия (то есть при отсутствии подходящего времени и условий) вместо времени 3.3.1. употребляется время 3.1.1.: If I vоdkа tоmоrrоw I will bе siсk thе dау аftеr tоmоrrоw. - Если я выпью завтра, я буду болеть послезавтра.
3.3.2. Futurе Соntinuоus (будущее длительное). I will bе vоdking tоmоrrоw аt 5. - Я буду заниматься употреблением горячительных напитков завтра в пять.
Примечание: При горячем желании опохмелиться вместо времени 3.3.1. можно употреблять время 3.3.2.: Sооn! Sооn I will bе vоdking. - Скоро! Скоро я буду пить водку!
3.3.3. Futurе Реrfесt (будущее завершенное): употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения. Тоmоrrоw bу 5 о'сlосk I will hаvе vоdkеd. - Завтра к пяти я буду нажрамшись.
3.3.4. Futurе Реrfесt Соntinuоus (будущее завершенно-длительное): Ву tоmоrrоw mоrning I will hаvе bееn vоdking fоr а tеrm. - К завтрашнему утру я буду пить водку семестр.
3.3.5 Futurе in thе Раst (будущее в прошедшем): Wоuld уоu vоdkа in thе сhildrеn gаrdеn? - Хотели бы вы пить белую в детском саду?
Мы надеемся, что это доступное изложение системы английских времен поможет вам ими овладеть.

Автор: ЧерепашкаНинзя 17.06.2009 - 05:19
innok
Иннуля, спасибо. Рождественская вечеринка - єто классика smile.gif

А как вам этот перл?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as
· Currie Cup 5.0,
· Super 14, 3.2 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do
not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs
a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory and performance.
We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Автор: light225 17.06.2009 - 07:46
ЧерепашкаНинзя
Марина, хороший перл biggrin.gif. (С возвращением smile.gif)

nukri
Ира, незаменимое пособие по английскому biggrin.gif.

Автор: розмарин 17.06.2009 - 11:54
Вот например задание.

Put the verbs into the correct form

1. My brother ______ (read) three books last week.
2. Look! He _______(talk) very attractive girl.
3. My sister _____(never write) a letter to her boyfriend.
4. She_____(not meet) her frirnds very often.
She is very busy.
5.Where_____(be) you three hours ago?

Иннусь, растолкуй мне не опытной что к чему с переведом на русс. яз. плиз.

Автор: nukri 30.06.2009 - 23:28
George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


Автор: innok 14.10.2009 - 23:50
Натусь, разбирала старые емеилы. Нашла несколько твоих, которые достойны быть здесь smile.gif

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for
Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it.....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever..

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier.'
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.


Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:27
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't,' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model..
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,' the Lord corrected, 'that's a
tear!'
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:35

Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:37
Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:38
What Religion is Your Bra?



A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.


'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. ..


The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for,
it is about time

you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.


Holtzemfromfloppen

Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:40
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he Would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
And asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her
...And where do you think you're going?'



(You're gonna love this.....)

*

*

*


*



She said,

'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

Автор: innok 15.10.2009 - 00:41
A SENSIBLE HOPE IN THE YEAR WHERE ALL FEEL END IS NEAR.



What is recession?

This Story is about a man who once upon a time was selling Hotdogs by the roadside.
He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers.
He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio.
His eyes were weak, so he never watched television.
But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs.
He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales.
His sales and profit went up.
He ordered more a more raw material and buns and use to sale more.
He recruited few more supporting staff to serve more customers.
He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove.
As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from College, joined his father. He had never sen a recession in his 40 years of selling hot dogs.

Then something strange happened.
The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great recession that is coming our way?"
The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The son said, "The international situation is terrible.
The domestic situation is even worse. We should be prepared for the coming bad times."
The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watched TV.
He ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly.
So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colourful signboard,
removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic.
He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs.
Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his hotdog stand.
And his sales started coming down rapidly, same is the profit.
The father said to his son, "Son, you were right".
"We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time."

Moral of The Story: It's all in your MIND! And we actually FUEL this recession much more than we think

2009 is going to be a good year
IF YOU WAIT TO BE HAPPY YOU WILL WAIT FOREVER
BUT IF YOU START TO BE HAPPY YOU WILL BE HAPPY FOREVER !!!!


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